6/12/2023 0 Comments Mary kate and ashley movies![]() I think that about catches us up? Oh, please, please, stop asking if I knew Jeffrey Epstein. It was fine I had good cigars and piles of laundered cash while my friends back in lousy California had gotten divorced, taken up crochet, and Botoxed themselves within an inch of their lives. Eventually, they outgrew the films altogether, and there I was, a permanently “dead” plot device in the dust of their empire. (After that, Dmitri tapped out: “Also, a snorkeling instructor now? Really?” to which I furiously tapped “Go fuck a bowl of borscht” in response.)īased on the VHS tapes smuggled onto the various yachts and private islands I inhabited throughout the years, I saw that the twins clearly didn’t fancy resuscitating their mother as a character. Now the girls were getting older, and the absence of the parents was a plot device to give them the freedom to run around European cities with curiously acne-free young men. ![]() ![]() One day I woke up in the bed of a snorkeling instructor in Aruba and my ex-lover, Dmitri, was outside tapping Morse code onto the windowpane. Bart’s, but she would’ve known me as Arabella de la Cruz, seventh in line for the Spanish throne.) We partied together for one stellar weekend in St. I don’t recall the exact year, and I have no paper trail, but I believe it was after Princess Diana had died. I believe it was the exact same plot as the first film, but with up-to-date outfits and haircuts. I assumed an alias and laid low in the Dominican Republic for a while, but it became clear through the next message - delivered in the night by a handsome ex-Kremlin assassin with whom I had a brief affair - that the twins were killing me off for the next film, too. Soon thereafter I bought a plane ticket and flushed the ripped pieces of my passport down a toilet in Havana. We’ve got a guy who can arrange everything.” I lived in the Valley and all I had going on was a step-aerobics class three days a week, so I agreed to do it. Can you please ‘die’ for us? We’ll wire you money indefinitely. "We’re sorry," they said, “but the screenwriters are creatively zapped and we expect to make zillions of dollars anyway. Apparently, they needed a catalyst for the dad character to get together with a new lady. I don’t even remember exactly when I first “died,” but it was the mid-‘90s when my ungrateful twin daughters first decided to kill me off as a plot device. To understand my life, you’ll have to suspend belief - just as you did watching the film Passport to Paris, when you believed that two tween girls would grumble about a lavish trip to Paris to stay with their grandfather, who just happens to be the goddamn Ambassador to France. Many of you are wondering how I died - and why I was always dead - but I’m actually alive drinking a cocktail beside a man in a linen suit at a bar in Nassau, Bahamas. I’m kidding! About the dead part - I really am the mom character. Sure, the twins played ostensibly different characters in each film, but all of the dead, absent mothers are me. I am the dead mom character from the Mary-Kate and Ashley direct-to-video movies, gazing down upon you from heaven.
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